confessions

ok
so...
it's June...

maybe i've improve a little bit compare to when i was in elementary school
i don't know how i changed that much from kindergarten to elementary to high school
isn't it amazing???
in my opinion
it's mostly pressure


i'm lucky i'm still a sane person
u know...

in kindergarten....(according to my mom...i can't really remember...)
i was cheerful
and like to sing ( what the...?i bet i sound bad)
and very different from now
etc.

in elementary school...(according to some of my darkest memory...can't really remember any good times)
i was like floating all day and night
not feeling anything i'm doing
i remember laughing at that time was like i felt like i should laugh so i laughed
mostly emotionless (is there a word like that?...oh well...another weird e language...)
i also don't talk much (still like that now)
just simply sit down and watch the world around me or grab something to read or study my fingers...
often alone
quiet
unnoticed
i don't have true friends
most of them are just passer-bys in my life
they don't even leave a stain in my memory
although i still remember their faces
i got close to some of them
but our friendship didn't last longer than a year
but i've been a good friend to them
always help them with their problems
i guess i'm sort of a boring person
so they had enough for a year being with a freak like me
there's also a girl i met in standard 1 she's still in the same school as me
i don't even know why the hell we became "best friends"
i know it was just a stupid relationship all along
i never really like the time we spent together
it's nothing i really treasure anyway
so i am weird...

there's also another girl i met in standard 1 she's still in the same school as me
we got closer in standard 6 just because she sat behind me in class
everyone in class hated her
but i don't i thought she was not that bad
but things changes
so last year...
was really bad becausei don't have anyone in class(earlier)
so i can only hang out with her
pathetic.....

i remember always crying (at night before going to bed)before the first day of school (the January ones) almost every years (from standard 2 to 5 ...i think i still do... now this year)
i didn't know the reason before
but i do now
1 word
PRESSURE

as u can see all i have at that time is homework homework homework and homework
pathetic isn't it? i agree...
so that happens...to me
so one night (this year) i told my younger sister i don't have anyone i specially want to meet from elementary school....
u know what she said?
"YOU'RE SO PATHETIC!!!"
i remember crying the whole time talking to her...
(we turned off the lights so she didn't know at all -thank god-)
btw i never like crying in front of people
even after watching a touching movie
i won't want to let others see me cry

at that time ( elementary)
i felt sad at topics like friendship, best friends etc.
i remember my chinese teacher wanted us to do an essay on "my best friend"
so i just put down the name of the friend sitting beside me (stupid!!!)
almost everyone i knew in class had a best friend
so it would be weird if i didn't had one
i should have wrote
"i don't have a best friend, so ...the end!"


i remember there was a time when i used to cry looking at myself in the mirror
because that not what i want to see
it's not about the looks
but what i've become
i'm so dissapointed in myself
i can't do what average person can

i met a family when i was standard 2 and we started hanging out at standard 3
my whole my family knew them and they knew my whole family too...
we really have fun spending time with them
we would go for a morning walk at FRIM at sundays
or hang out at the mall and watch movies
ahh...not-bad times.....

so...
now...
it's obviously 2 times better than elementary
but still not that good
i found someone
and
i discovered that i really enjoyed the times we spent together
and when she's gone, i miss her so much

i also met someone this year
at first i was thrilled i met her
but as times pass
the things she said bout me just annoy me
i know others don't realize that
but that's clearly insulting!!!
i hope she didn't do that on purpose
it makes me felt really bad
like she was making fun of me in front of others
and i can't do anything about it
i know i'm not smart
not sporty
slow-response
dumb
etc.
i don't need someone to remind me
it already hurts to know that i'm born like this
isn't it bad enough????



the good news is i haven't come to the wrist-cutting part
but i've come to the stab-myself-with- imaginary-arrows part
and it's a whole lot worst than the wrist-cutting part
it will can never be healed
if i don't think about it it won't hurt
but it's still there...
it's always there


i wish i had a twin
that would be so so nice...
ahh.....
having someone so simillar to you
like hikaru & kaoru
and i think if i had a twin i don't need anyone else
........................................................

i think i have antisocial problems
but not the serious ones
good...


don't feel like writing anymore
although there's still so much to write about


i'm tired of pretending to be something else i'm not
and i'm never really ok

wander when will this stop
or never...


never believe what you see
don't judge me by the way i look, act, say things,
there always the other side of me
no one will know.......